I am not a seeker. And I used to take pride in it. However, I have been friends with few seekers and have had some very good conversations with them. I always talked to them with an intention of proving them wrong.
Recently, Lot of changes have happened to me and to the people around me. I would rather not mention them but if I don't this article wont make any sense.
I remember talking to people of one faith (or community). Their aim was to follow Lord without committing sins so that they won't have to be born again and I was arguing regarding why to spoil this life in worry of the next one when you don't even know if the next one exists. But now I am realizing the depth of the thought and scariness attached to the fact that you will have to live again, will have to go through all the pain again. Life is painful. Its beautiful but its so long journey, and you have to keep living, you have no control over almost anything and you have to keep living. Oh man, I don't want to be born again. I have had enough of life and for that if I have to follow few rules, I will happily do that.
Recently, a junior of mine died, in a car accident, with his parents. I was thinking of only survivor of the family, his sister. How would she manage, how much pain she has to go through.
My cousin's husband died this morning. Leaving her behind with a little son. Her husband died of AIDS. And she has to carry the burden of it all through her life, even though she is hiv negative. She is younger than me and she has to take so much responsibility, all on her shoulders. What is the meaning of life for her.
Buddha's words echo in my ears, "life is full of sorrows" and the reason of these sorrows are attachments and desire to be happy. Give up this desire. You got to be neither happy nor sad, just keep living with an indifference. And my argument was: why not be sad and happy both. You got to taste everything that life has to offer.
I had to sell my car. I sold it to a friend. It turns out that I lost the friend also with the car. This friend of mine was a special kind. In a very short time, I became so dependent on him. He would do everything for me. He would make sure all my bills are paid in time. He would bring food to my house. He would always be ready to go anywhere anytime when I needed him. He would walk back to campus to give me company back home. He would not let me hold my bag. And for whatever reasons, I lost him. This same person did not show up when I was stuck in the rain, this same person left me roaming on the road for hours. I have held my groceries bags so many times while backing home and have thought about how it works. He would not call me, would not talk to me, would not care about me at all. That person in him does not exist anymore. Such is the tale of friendship.
I used to have s boyfriend. I would rather not talk about my feelings for him but I know this much that his feelings were of pure love. So clear and strong. It seemed that he would not be able to live without me. Everyday, 4-5 times he would call me, if I did not pick up, he went crazy, he called my friends, his system would break if he did not get to talk to me. We broke up for some reasons, and within 4 months of our break up this same guy got married to another woman. Such is the act of love. I was shocked to hear the news of his wedding and could not imagine my life without him. I begged him not to go through the wedding, but he did and he asked me to not call him ever again. When we hung up for the last time, I was still crying. And this lover of mine, never even called me ever again to see if I committed suicide or was I still alive. Again, the person who loved me did not exit in that body anymore. So long is the lifetime of love.
All these relationships around us, the ones that bind us to this life. People we want to live for. All this is an illusion. I can see this now. It can break in a fraction of second. People change, just like that. You think it will last. You think it is all that you want from your life. But you are wrong. It is not what you want from your life.
Life is hard. And you got to get through it. Is suicide an option? No, if you believe in rebirth. Its like those video games. You got to win all the stages in order to win the whole thing. If you die in between, you will be sent back to the level 1 and you will have to go through all the stages all over again.
Now the question is, how to finish the game. What are the rules? What is the goal? What is meant by getting through it. I am unable to see it right now. All I understand is, that you do not want to get another life after this one, because its so hard to live. You got to do it right so that you don't have to be born again. The definition of 'right' is unknown to me. I will keep looking. If you have any ideas, please do share them with me.
Recently, Lot of changes have happened to me and to the people around me. I would rather not mention them but if I don't this article wont make any sense.
I remember talking to people of one faith (or community). Their aim was to follow Lord without committing sins so that they won't have to be born again and I was arguing regarding why to spoil this life in worry of the next one when you don't even know if the next one exists. But now I am realizing the depth of the thought and scariness attached to the fact that you will have to live again, will have to go through all the pain again. Life is painful. Its beautiful but its so long journey, and you have to keep living, you have no control over almost anything and you have to keep living. Oh man, I don't want to be born again. I have had enough of life and for that if I have to follow few rules, I will happily do that.
Recently, a junior of mine died, in a car accident, with his parents. I was thinking of only survivor of the family, his sister. How would she manage, how much pain she has to go through.
My cousin's husband died this morning. Leaving her behind with a little son. Her husband died of AIDS. And she has to carry the burden of it all through her life, even though she is hiv negative. She is younger than me and she has to take so much responsibility, all on her shoulders. What is the meaning of life for her.
Buddha's words echo in my ears, "life is full of sorrows" and the reason of these sorrows are attachments and desire to be happy. Give up this desire. You got to be neither happy nor sad, just keep living with an indifference. And my argument was: why not be sad and happy both. You got to taste everything that life has to offer.
I had to sell my car. I sold it to a friend. It turns out that I lost the friend also with the car. This friend of mine was a special kind. In a very short time, I became so dependent on him. He would do everything for me. He would make sure all my bills are paid in time. He would bring food to my house. He would always be ready to go anywhere anytime when I needed him. He would walk back to campus to give me company back home. He would not let me hold my bag. And for whatever reasons, I lost him. This same person did not show up when I was stuck in the rain, this same person left me roaming on the road for hours. I have held my groceries bags so many times while backing home and have thought about how it works. He would not call me, would not talk to me, would not care about me at all. That person in him does not exist anymore. Such is the tale of friendship.
I used to have s boyfriend. I would rather not talk about my feelings for him but I know this much that his feelings were of pure love. So clear and strong. It seemed that he would not be able to live without me. Everyday, 4-5 times he would call me, if I did not pick up, he went crazy, he called my friends, his system would break if he did not get to talk to me. We broke up for some reasons, and within 4 months of our break up this same guy got married to another woman. Such is the act of love. I was shocked to hear the news of his wedding and could not imagine my life without him. I begged him not to go through the wedding, but he did and he asked me to not call him ever again. When we hung up for the last time, I was still crying. And this lover of mine, never even called me ever again to see if I committed suicide or was I still alive. Again, the person who loved me did not exit in that body anymore. So long is the lifetime of love.
All these relationships around us, the ones that bind us to this life. People we want to live for. All this is an illusion. I can see this now. It can break in a fraction of second. People change, just like that. You think it will last. You think it is all that you want from your life. But you are wrong. It is not what you want from your life.
Life is hard. And you got to get through it. Is suicide an option? No, if you believe in rebirth. Its like those video games. You got to win all the stages in order to win the whole thing. If you die in between, you will be sent back to the level 1 and you will have to go through all the stages all over again.
Now the question is, how to finish the game. What are the rules? What is the goal? What is meant by getting through it. I am unable to see it right now. All I understand is, that you do not want to get another life after this one, because its so hard to live. You got to do it right so that you don't have to be born again. The definition of 'right' is unknown to me. I will keep looking. If you have any ideas, please do share them with me.
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